transparent

I try to live my life as transparent as possible but sometimes it is just too hard. It seems lately that when it rains it pours. As you may already know, my days of working where I have for the last twenty something years are numbered. I have been coming to grips with this and trying to rely on God to show me His plan through all of this.

I got horrible news this past Saturday that one of the most special people in my life was on his way to his parents hospital rooms due to an accident. My heart broke for him. In the short amount of time I have known him, he has challenged and pushed me to be a better person. He has showed my family tremendous amounts of love and influenced my son more than he will ever know. As he sits miles away from his wife and kids, praying for his parents care, I am left here feeling inadequate wishing I could do more.

Today the carpet was ripped out from under me. Due to the economy pretty much bottoming out my wife will be joining the ranks of victims of the poor economy. She will (unless things change drastically) be jobless. She was doing what she loved where she loved but that may be coming to an end. So now what? I don't know. I lay here writing this scared but still trusting. I was just telling someone tonight how can I question God? If he is big enough to create me isn't He big enough to take care of me.

Yes I am scared. Yes I am nervous, upset, angry but aren't all of these the emotions God gave us. That doesn't mean I am hopeless. Even through all the crap I still feel He is in control. That may be why I struggle so much with this. I like being in control. We say we surrender all to Christ but do we? I am trying to be thankful for all this because my prayer is to be able to live a life that is transparent. Transparent so people may see me struggle and worry but still see my hope lies in my Jesus. After all, in the end that is all we have.

Paper God

I have been employed by the same company for close to 25 years. I have had other part time jobs during this time but always worked here at least part time. I have had no other full time job. It has definitely had its shares of ups and downs but it has always been there. The pay has been good, sometimes even great. I have been able to see things that some people only dream of and meet some influential people. For the last couple of years though I have enjoyed working less and less. Nothing has really changed there so I know that this change is coming from within. However, nothing was going to prepare me for this bombshell. I have been told my days are numbered working there. This has nothing to do with me and everything to do with our consumer driven economy.

What am I going to do? I have a wife and two children I need to provide for. I have a mortgage and bills. The job market sucks so where can I find a job. I am still in school, how am I going to finish my degree? How could we sell our house fast? Do we really need a second car? My head was full of thoughts of despair and self pity. I lay sleepless at night praying that somehow we would make it through this.

Then all of a sudden the lights came on for me. I have told other people to trust Him, He is in control but it is easier said than done. When your monthly income will be cut in half that takes a lot of faith. I don't know what label you want to put on it, praying, meditating, quiet time, (not a big fan of trying to fit things in a box) but I felt overwhelmed. But this time I was not scared, but confident. It is said that faith is the evidence of things not seen, I cant see the future but I must have faith.

We talk a lot about having faith and trusting God but we usually stop there. We talk about it because it makes us feel good, we feel all spiritual talking about it but when the time comes we find our own methods. We have "needs" to be met so we meet them by working more hours, running up the credit card balance, or some other method. We pray that God will heal us all while preparing ourselves not to be healed.

I was becoming what I despise most. A Fake! I say I trust God and have faith in Him all while worrying myself sick. I believe in the paper god to meet my needs, provide for my needs but fail to put my faith in the God who loves me. During my time of coming to grips I realized God had called me to take a step in faith. I have been wanting to spend more time focusing on growing the young people I get to share life with and I really feel like God is giving this time to me. How are we gonna pay our bills? I don't know. But I don't have to. God figured it all out for me.

Am I scared? More than you could ever imagine but I think what is scarier is that I know this is coming from God. I was sharing this briefly with someone and they really put this in perspective for me when they said isn't even scarier that He would speak to me. Wow! The creator of life chooses to speak to us! Puts being faithful into a little better perspective.

Where is this going to take me? Right down the path God leads me. I am currently praying and trusting that this is happening to me to allow more time to love on people and be an example to them.

Listening and stepping out!

Blinded by the unseen!

I find it amazing and disturbing how God works. God has taken me on a wild ride the last couple of years of my life. To say that it has been life changing would be an understatement! It has been humbling as well as exhilarating. I have cried tears of joy as well as tears from a broken heart. I have seen humanity at its kindest as well as the total disregard of a persons worth. I haven't had to leave the country and travel to a foreign land. This all has happened within a couple of miles from my house.

If you have spent anytime with me in the last couple of years you hopefully have realized by now that God has placed a burden on my heart to love . LOVE. Not judge, not fix, not feel sorry for, just to love them. Pretty basic right? NOT! We have a hard enough time showing the ones we love the most how we love them. How many times have we been impatient with a spouse or a friend? Love is patient. (Confession-I'm not always) Ever snap at someone you care about? Love is kind. God has been calling me to love in a sacrificial way not a superficial way. Disney makes love look so easy but that is a fairy tale not real life.

I had thought I had done a good job of loving but I was beginning to realize I loved when it was easy. When it was convenient. I thought I was doing a good job of loving those people I saw around me but I was blind. There were people all around me in pain that i had never seen before. I felt bad for people but never loved them. Praying wasn't enough anymore. Talking about it isn't enough. It was a call to action.

I no longer see people in the same way. I still see faces but I now see the hunger in their eyes. Not for food but for love. This isn't about helping the homeless or the poor, the single mom, or the widow. It is about loving everyone. Yes that is the homeless but it is also the lady tat takes your order at Froggers. It is also the church member who sits on the second row, the wealthy client who over tips you. We are in a world that is starving to be loved. Can you see it?

Who is worthy?

On Friday, January 9th I was working at a restaurant in downtown Apopka when a young lady approached me.  She introduced herself to me and explained how she was a missionary from Georgia. (the country not the home of the Bulldogs)  This did not surprise me because on another occasion that I was there I had a gentleman come up and introduce himself as a missionary for another Eastern European country.  I have heard how America has become one of the greatest countries for missionaries from overseas, even was in school with one for a semester or two.  But never thought I would run into one in Apopka.  Not once but twice.

God has impressed on my life the value of all human life.  He has really open my eyes up to what it means to love.  Because of this I was deeply disturbed by this chance meeting with a fellow believer.  I was actually busy for a change and was in the midst of moving some heavy equipment.  She came up to me to speak and I knew the routine.  That was not the part that bothered me.  It wasn't the fact that I had to stop what I was doing to have this conversation, I actually didn't mind taking a break.  It wasn't any part of our conversation.  It was the fact that as she hurried across the street she had a choice to make.  I was there working and there was another man sitting on the curb passing time.  She chose me.  Not a big deal right?  The part that was a big deal is after my conversation she went on never saying a word to this gentleman. 

 No one else was in the area but she walked pass him never even saying "Hi".  

He was homeless.  His clothes were wrinkled.  He had all of his earthly possessions on him.  Some how in our twisted view of the value of life we are attracted to the lives that most reflect ours.  I am not putting her down because she has the guts to go to a foreign country and share her faith boldly.  I just ask who de we go out of our way to talk to.  Those who look like us, listen to the same music as us, dress like us, make as much money as us?  We do the same thing day in and day out.

Jesus was homeless, even a fox has a den and birds their nest, He carried his belongings with Him, He didn't wear the fancy clothes.  Would we walk by Jesus if He were here today because we wouldn't find value in His appearance?  As we walk through life we determine the value of a persons worth.  What if God used the same standards we do?  Would Mary be the virgin mother?  Would the shepherds been the first to hear?  Would Paul have become the greatest missionary of all time?  How do I measure up?  Can I measure up?  

I am thankful that God sees us ALL as worthy!

Been a while...

My intentions were good but follow  through was lacking.  I envy those of you who post on a regular basis.  I never find the time or don't make it a priority to actually post.  I was hoping to have all of these stimulating blogs over the holidays encouraging us to remember Christmas as a time of celebrating relationships.  After all are we not celebrating the relationship of Christ with us?  Isn't it about Him coming to us to walk amongst us?  Unfortunately it has become a holiday to celebrate the consumerism and greed of the American way.  Just so I don't miss the opportunity check out this video.  

This Christmas was probably one of the best Christmas' for our family.  We got bogged down with all the normal junk.  Having to attend the obligatory parties and performances.  Fighting the traffic to get to the mall.  Not that we didn't enjoy some of these activities but many times we have to do these things out of obligation not a desire to spend time at the event.  This year we didn't wait for the grandparents to start opening the gifts.  This year we didn't take the traditional picture of the tree with all the gifts under it.  This year my wife and I didn't buy each other gifts.  I am not telling you this for you to feel sorry for us or to take pity on us.  Our decision had nothing to do with finances or the economy.  It wasn't because we were having marital problems.  Quite the opposite.  We decided to focus on what was important to us and to use the time that we would have spent shopping with each other.  We didn't take a picture of the tree with the presents because what kind of message are we preserving for our children?  When we look at that picture would we remember it as the year we spent time with a mother whose son and father were working out of state a thousand miles from home? Or would they remember it as the year the presents over took the tree?  

As mentioned we took dinner to a friend who was home alone.  We went bowling!  Our son who is quickly growing up had a blast.  We laughed and played around.  We learned how to curve the ball.  Couldn't hit a pin but it sure looks cool.   We had cheap bowling alley pizza for dinner.  On the way home we didn't discuss how cool their toys were.  we talked about how much fun we had.  The thing I will always remember about Christmas '08 is on the way home that starry night is Connor telling us that it was his favorite Christmas because we spent time just playing together.  I think we may have accidently started a new tradition.

Thanksgiving

Dictionary.com defines thanksgiving as

–noun

1.	the act of giving thanks; grateful acknowledgment of benefits or favors, esp. to God.

2.	an expression of thanks, esp. to God.

3.	a public celebration in acknowledgment of divine favor or kindness.

4.

a day set apart for giving thanks to God. As we get ready to consume a weeks worth of food in a 24 hour period and become so consumed with self I pray that we take time out to give thanks.  This year i have come to realize how fortunate I truly am.  God has blessed me with an amazing wife and two wonderful kids.  This weekend I was able to enjoy special time with each one of them.  I finally got a night out with my lady.  We went to a new restaurant and just enjoyed some time together.  Saturday I was able to see my son play his first game of the season.  He had a double-double with 8 steals.  He was amazing.  Daddy's little girl climbed into his lap and let him brush her hair.  I love playing with her hair.  We are excited to spend the holiday with some friends and family. My mind begins to wander into reality at this point.  As i sit there and stuff my face I become oblivious to the fact that there are people all around me suffering.  People all around us sitting alone at a table remembering when the family assembled a feast fit for a king on this day.  Missing those that have passed away leaving them behind to go through life alone.  The single mom whose family has disowned her because she will be a disgrace to the family name.  The young girl who is being raised by her grandparents because her parents are both incarcerated for their crimes.  The young boy, who sits in the midst of his brothers, that feels useless because he will never hear a kind word from his fathers mouth.  We (I) become so self absorbed that we are blind to those around us. As we scrape the excess off our plates and turn our nose up to the leftovers there is a man digging in the dumpster just to try to stumble across enough food to quiet the pains of an empty stomach or the mother that weeps because all she has to offer her children is some cereal and milk, no turkey, no pecan pie.  So while I am thankful as I try to see the world through Christ eyes my heart breaks and tears fill my eyes.  How can I selfishly be thankful for contributing to a self indulgent lifestyle?  How can a part of the body celebrate while other parts suffer? This year don't just give thanks but be a part of a solution.  Invite someone to share your meal,  make a plate for someone and deliver it.  Give thanks and give yourself.  I hope to post a success story on how my family made a difference.   God is Love!

Silent Screams!

I sit here writing this feeling like I have had my heart ripped out of my chest and although it is still beating I lie here watching it beat feeling helpless and out of control. Numb with fear and yet filled with pain. Wanting to stand in the gap but paralyzed in fear. Trying to look for the light at the end of the tunnel but not sure I really want to crawl that far.  Today I faced an attack that was far more painful than even the worst root canal.  

We teach and talk about spiritual warfare as if it is a fairy tail and never really recognizing the battle that is being fought all around us.  We try to wrap our thoughts around it but somehow the image that all to often we come up with is the cartoon angel and the prince of darkness whispering in our ear.  We don't see the struggle of good and evil, the clouded thoughts, confusing voices, empty promises, or the feeling of being trapped.  We don't think of the silent screams of desperation.  We block out all these images because it is painful to think about,  We don't want to be honest.  The truth of the matter is it is real.  There is a battle bigger than you or I .  

Today this battle became very real to me.  Real and unfair.  Today started off as one of those mountain top experiences.  It started yesterday with Chris Tomlin's God of this City repeating over and over on the iPod.  Then through music in youth God was stirring.  Sound went perfect which really helps me focus.  When I was teaching I felt as if I had stepped over the drivers seat and someone else was placing the very words on my lips.  But it continued after the service ended.  People connected.  God was stirring the hearts of the people.  Several people, to which I can take NO credit for, said how what we talked about hit home.  (Remember I said I felt as each and every word was placed on my lips)  My son on the way home showed his appreciation for the message.  He said how it was really good.  Even told me I wasn't like a preacher when I spoke.  This morning he led a prayer group at school.  Daddy was and is extremely proud!  A sixth grader willing to step up and lead.  He was leading this group that rallied behind a cause dedicated to people fighting to make it out of dark desperate and desolate time of their lives. 

I beamed with hope and joy seeing him impact in a passionate way the lives around him.  I well up with tears of admiration and joy as I even think about it.

Too bad the story doesn't come to an abrupt end there.  See that is when the battle began.  How cruel and unfair.  Satan seized and opportunity to  attack.  How would I love to shelter my son and protect him from this viscous attack.  The very core of what he was standing for was attacked.  He was fighting to give a voice to those who feel unloved, untouched, unwanted when thoughts of worthlessness flooded his being.  He was shaken to the core.  As parents we want to shelter our kids, denying God the opportunity of growing them, using them, molding them into the warrior they need to be.  It tore Laura and I apart to be helpless bystanders.  We prayed but never felt that was enough.  Let me take the blows for him.  We read in Romans 8:28 how ALL things work together for the good of those who love Him.  But how?  I know they do but how can you see good in this.

A lesser man would have opted out of the environment but thanks to someone taking time and speaking into his life he was ready to man up and face the world head on.  He couldn't be silenced.  Satan attacked him making him feel alone but because people who are willing to roll up their sleeves and get dirty he saw hope, and the very compassion he was showing was showered lavishly on him.  So next year when he does this again he can speak with authority that love does change lives.  He is a story of hope, promise, compassion, and VICTORY!

Ephesians 4:29