I sit here writing this feeling like I have had my heart ripped out of my chest and although it is still beating I lie here watching it beat feeling helpless and out of control. Numb with fear and yet filled with pain. Wanting to stand in the gap but paralyzed in fear. Trying to look for the light at the end of the tunnel but not sure I really want to crawl that far. Today I faced an attack that was far more painful than even the worst root canal.
We teach and talk about spiritual warfare as if it is a fairy tail and never really recognizing the battle that is being fought all around us. We try to wrap our thoughts around it but somehow the image that all to often we come up with is the cartoon angel and the prince of darkness whispering in our ear. We don't see the struggle of good and evil, the clouded thoughts, confusing voices, empty promises, or the feeling of being trapped. We don't think of the silent screams of desperation. We block out all these images because it is painful to think about, We don't want to be honest. The truth of the matter is it is real. There is a battle bigger than you or I .
Today this battle became very real to me. Real and unfair. Today started off as one of those mountain top experiences. It started yesterday with Chris Tomlin's God of this City repeating over and over on the iPod. Then through music in youth God was stirring. Sound went perfect which really helps me focus. When I was teaching I felt as if I had stepped over the drivers seat and someone else was placing the very words on my lips. But it continued after the service ended. People connected. God was stirring the hearts of the people. Several people, to which I can take NO credit for, said how what we talked about hit home. (Remember I said I felt as each and every word was placed on my lips) My son on the way home showed his appreciation for the message. He said how it was really good. Even told me I wasn't like a preacher when I spoke. This morning he led a prayer group at school. Daddy was and is extremely proud! A sixth grader willing to step up and lead. He was leading this group that rallied behind a cause dedicated to people fighting to make it out of dark desperate and desolate time of their lives.
I beamed with hope and joy seeing him impact in a passionate way the lives around him. I well up with tears of admiration and joy as I even think about it.
Too bad the story doesn't come to an abrupt end there. See that is when the battle began. How cruel and unfair. Satan seized and opportunity to attack. How would I love to shelter my son and protect him from this viscous attack. The very core of what he was standing for was attacked. He was fighting to give a voice to those who feel unloved, untouched, unwanted when thoughts of worthlessness flooded his being. He was shaken to the core. As parents we want to shelter our kids, denying God the opportunity of growing them, using them, molding them into the warrior they need to be. It tore Laura and I apart to be helpless bystanders. We prayed but never felt that was enough. Let me take the blows for him. We read in Romans 8:28 how ALL things work together for the good of those who love Him. But how? I know they do but how can you see good in this.
A lesser man would have opted out of the environment but thanks to someone taking time and speaking into his life he was ready to man up and face the world head on. He couldn't be silenced. Satan attacked him making him feel alone but because people who are willing to roll up their sleeves and get dirty he saw hope, and the very compassion he was showing was showered lavishly on him. So next year when he does this again he can speak with authority that love does change lives. He is a story of hope, promise, compassion, and VICTORY!
Ephesians 4:29
